Date: Fri Oct 1, 1999 8:08 am

Subject: In answer to Cindy's question...

---Hey Carol? We are so proud of you. TWO years today! Tell us how you have changed in this time please, and how you are dealing with your original symptoms.------

Dear Cindy and Group:

Wow. This is going to be a long reply, I can tell that right now. But, I will enjoy considering my answer. I guess I could break it down into physical, emotional/spiritual and symptomatic... Physically I was a wreck two years ago. I had very poor health. I was depressed, had no job, no friends, was barely on speaking terms with my family... My thought process and decision making process were totally clouded from the Klonipin, in retrospect it is like having been an entirely different person.

I quit the Klonipin (10 mg daily - cold turkey, for those of you who don't know) and had severe depersonalization, derealization, anxiety, muscle spasms, memory problems, visual disturbances, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, and the physical symptoms involving swelling, etc... And, that went on for awhile. I weighed 207 lbs. I now weigh 121 lbs. (60 lbs. of that I lost intentionally - I decided to lose the weight in my second month of withdrawal, and have not only kept it off, but lost more. Actually, I've been under a lot of stress in the past couple of months trying to sort out personal issues unrelated to the benzos, and have lost the last 15 lbs. from that.

Emotionally, I was very immature and selfish. I was totally uninvolved with my faith, if I even had a faith, to be honest. I was manipulative, shallow and self-serving. All I could really focus my energy on was making sure I had enough Klonipin to stave off what I now know was withdrawal. What a pathetic life I lead. My family had taken the "tough love" approach maybe 2 years earlier, and I could not turn to them for anything - they were SO right to handle it that way. It was only from my spouse giving me an ultimatum, and my having no financial resources and nobody to turn to...that I quit at all. It was not something I did "for my own good" in the beginning.

After about three weeks, I realized that it was what I needed to do, and could see progress...then I was doing it for ME. I really didn't get deeply involved with my faith, I am ashamed to say, until sometime during my second year of all this...I think the depersonalization made it very hard for me to relate to the Lord, or even to other people. I felt very isolated. One day I just surrendered everything, I have been steadily improving (emotionally and physically) ever since. The one single thing that has helped me most (and in my personal opinion the reason why this whole chapter of my life had to occur) is my the dependence and faith I am learning to place in the Lord. If there is one single lesson learned, that is it.

Symptomatically, I really am 99.5 % better. I have little things that still bother me on occasion, but they are along the lines of a minor inconvenience, rather than a major disability. To feel my best I am on a diet that is sugar, yeast and dairy free. I try to avoid any wheat products. My supplements are: A good whole food multi-vitamin, colloidal silver, a homeopathic detoxification supplement, St. Johns Wort, and I drink lots of Aloe Vera. I use the fenugreek and thyme as needed for congestion.

The only "medications" I use are Premarin- I had a hysterectomy 3 yr. ago (when I was 30), and Nasalcrom nasal spray - which is over the counter (it's the least invasive thing that helps keep my allergies at bay). I am from the "school" that the natural approach, including diet and exercise...plus some candida fighting supplements, are best. When I was considering how far I've come in the past two years, only one thing truly came to mind --- THANK YOU, LORD! I take no credit personally, because the Lord was carrying me the whole way, even before I was asking Him to. I am just so very grateful!

The life I have now is so wonderful (even in the most stressful times), there is no comparison to the hell my life was back then. I have so many wonderful people in my life now...I have great relationships with my family members (their forgiveness and support has taught me so much about the meaning of the word LOVE), lots of wonderful friends... Yes, it's been hard, but if I had to go and make the choice from day one and suffer all over, I would do it again...without hesitation. Anyone who is going through this right now, and wondering if it gets easier...I want to offer a resounding YES! Does it end? YES. Is it worth every ounce of pain and suffering? YES. Whew! I feel better. Hope that answers your question! :-)

Love to all,

Carol