Date: Wed Mar 8, 2000 8:10 am

Subject: New beginnings.......

Hi,

Got up a little too early today. I just realized that absolutely no one knows how we feel or what we have been through while on benzos. They just will never understand the pain and suffering we go through. I have been very open with my family about this especially a couple of my sisters. Well, I had an email from my youngest sister and while reading it I didn't know it was her. I thought it was someone on the onelist. She asked if she could take Xanax here and there as she was getting out of sorts, things were stressing her out and she feels so good on Xanax. She was convincing herself it was ok. I wrote back that it was not OK. I will never say that these drugs are ok for anyone. Except maybe a one time deal before a procedure. These drugs not only make us physically sick they alter our brains. I feel very lucky to have survived this and I still dont' know how I did it.

One more thing I wanted to touch on this AM. I've heard from quite a few people that have been off benzos for a while and still experiencing depression, and some other free floating symptoms. I'll let you know what helped for me. About two months ago I felt I was in "Limbo". Not well, not sick but felt I was stuck in this darkness and would be like that forever.

Well, my l8 year old son gave me two books. The first one was Mind Power by John Kehoe, gave me the drive to push myself a little harder. Gave me determination and something to focus on other than myself and my symptoms. Then he gave me The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. An exceptional little book. I read it over and over. It's taught me to think of every new experience as a new and exciting adventure. To not worry and fear all that comes into my life.

Have I stirred you wrong yet??? Can it hurt you to read these book? I don't think so. I know many of my coping skills like passing the ball, going into my imaginary house etc. sound weird but they worked for me and others that have tried them. So if you are stuck in not well and not sick, you need to do something to get well. This is a lot of work, but worth it all.

I wasn't just stuck in benzo Hell, I was stuck in fear, grief, worry, and so much more. Well, I'm very mellow these days. So thankful to be alive. But what is alive? Just getting off Benzos? No, if I had to stay in the world I was in that put me into benzo Hell than where is the progression. I was determined to live my life to it's fullest. I don't mean grabbing all the gusto you can. But living a good, healthy and fulfilled life. Otherwise why even try.

We've been given this second chance and we can't throw it away. Today is the first day of Lent in our religion, a new beginning. I started my new beginning about a month ago but plan to double reinforce it during this time. Hope you all can find the strength to do the same. And remember I'm right here with you.

With all my love,

Sheila