Happy Thanksgiving Benzoland !!! It's been a long time...a very long time since I have written in. I wanted to do this yesterday....but I was so busy, that I didn't get time. Most of you know me I am Blondie...and I came off of probably more Benzo's than this whole group put together...starting last July. (500mg a day...I figure...of Ativan...Paxipan...and Dalmane) I celebrated 1 year benzofree...and totally drugfree in September. I detoxed over a 2 month period..(in the hospital) ..which was really very fast...anf I am grateful that I did it this way. The reason I am writing to all of you this Thanksgiving weekend is to give those of you suffering some HOPE ...that if I can do this...and this was the hardest thing I have ever done...including becoming a Registered Nurse......then all of you can do this too. For a month...or so...I was debating...wheter to quit this group.(Benzoland) ..or not. I will speak up now...I do not like the bickering that is going on here. I do not like the rules that I have seen put down. SURE...you need some rules...but this was usually reserved for moderators to post to an individual privately....Thats all that I have to say on this matter...I am really PROUD pf those that have become Drugfree...and STAN !!! ...I am proud of you !!! I have been folowing you !!! You had a long struggle. Now Stan...I promise you...if you would somehow get off...or taper those other medications.....that you are on...your depression....would entirely disapear. Those medications...that you are on...CAUSE depression. Just speaking for myself...I was on NOTHING...when I came off of the benzo's...I REFUSED the Clonodine.....that was offered to me. ...If one does decide to come off of these types of medications...be it Clonidine...of Anticonvulsants...I STONGLY advise discussing this with your DR...these types of medications...MUST be gradually taped over a period of time..of about 2-3 week...is the usualy course that I have seen. Otherwise...you can have some rebound problems. Speaking for myself...the reason that I didn' t want to take anything...I didn't know what would make my withdrawal worse or better...and what if what I was going throug...just a SIDE EFFECT or another pill I was taking ??? To me...I just wanted to heal my brain...and body...with nothing.....then If I took NOTHING ...I KNEW...what I was experiencing...was withdrawal...SIMPLE TO ME !!! Let me tell all of you where I am now...and where I was about one year and a half ago....it might just help...and give some HOPE to someone else...who is in despair...who really wants to get well. SURE I wanted to talk alot about quiting...and I see many individuals in this group...that is all that they talk about.....but doing little else...it seems to me......but speaking for myself....unless I was in a controlled enviorment...like the hospital...where I detoxed...off of these horrible drugs...I NEVER would have stopped...as all of you know...the anxiety...and other withdrawal...symptions...are trememdous...that it is a struggle to get through each second...without resorting...to going back to taking...these drugs. I made a DECESION...that I would go to ANY leagths...to get well...and get my life back...and I have a life...now...that is better than my wildest dreams....Like I always say...my worst day today...is better than my best day taking drugs..... I am working as a Registered Nurse again...in Ambulatory...Surgery.at Cedars Hospital in Miami, FL...one year...after becoming Benzofree....and working...on average...of 10 hour days...sometimes 12.hour days......I never thought this would be possible...as I had a hard time...remembering...what I even did the morning when I was in withdrawal...but the mind...does come back !!! I always would ask everone...if I had suffered permanent brain...damage...but little by little...I was able to read....(IM reading a really HOT...and excellent book right now !!...love to read before I go to bed !!! Lifes little pleasures ..don't you know !!!) ) I truly couldn't eat...and was about 105 pounds...when I went into the hospital....and when I came out...I had to literally force myself...to eat...and I drank those LOVELY HOSPITAL ENSURE shakes !!! Now they are NOT excellent !!! But I wanted to get well....but I did...I wanted to get well...more than anything...on this Earth...you see you guys...I made a decesion...on July 3, 1999...that I didn't want to live like that anymore...just living...to take pills...and honestly that's about all that I did....Made really sure...that I had enough too....true Benzo addict...I was. Now....I am working in a really HIGH stress...job...and I was trained.these past 2 months....to fill...a really important..position...blowing my own horn...I might add.( do I like to do that??? SURE !!! Who else will ???) ..and I was really scared last Monday...that I might not be able to do it...as this person....was going into the hospital.....CALLING RAY NIMMO !!!! ...in Benzoland !!!! RAY !!! Your firing...gun.from animatedgifs.com .....came in REALLY HANDY !!! ( GOD I LOVE that site...Ray...you got MORE???)...also COOLTEXT.COM...now that was hot too...keep em comming...Ray...don't hold out on Blondie !!! Where was I yet again ??? ??? Yes...that animayed Gun...was Purrrrrrrfect...... When I pretended empting the magazine...on this person atn work....who was making my life PURE HELL !!! What great Bumper sticker I saw on the way...to work...the day after Ray Nimmo...sent me that Gun !!! God does work...in mysterious ways !!! See Ray !!! I do just LOVE that gun !!! IM picturing using it RIGHT NOW !!!! on a certain person...that is ABSENT from work !!....Maybe thats why my work week is great !!! and you know what??? The BEST part...is that when she comes back...I NEVER have to work...with her again !!!! LOVE IT !!!! JUst MOVE OVER to my other area...I may just NEVER talk to her again !!! LOVE IT !!! I sound like THOSE TWO CLOWNS....on that old show...IN LIVING COLOR !!!! HATED IT !!!! LOVE IT !!!! JUST Support the NRA...and just EMPTY the magazine !!! EMPTY the magazine...on all those DR's who prescribe drugs...and Benzodiazipines...while your at it too!!! Where was I ??? Ray...also...maybe Ill send you a little picture...of myself...for your little BENZOLAND PHOTO gallery !!! Now WOULDN'T that be fun !!! See how I still go off on my little tangents???..Benzo warped brain....I GOT A EXCUSE !!! ...IT'S PERFECT LOVE IT !!!! ...Just like that little DRUG...comericalll you wise guys....THIS IS YOUR BRAIN..as they crack open a egg.....as they fry an egg.the say...THIS IS YOUR BRAIN>>>ON DRUGS !!! ANY QUESTIONS ??????????? .I want to just JUMP UP>>>AND crash...right though...the TV...I might add....I want to SCREAM !!! NO QUESTIONS FROM ME !!!! Yea...that was my brain...al right....But the Brain...does...come right back....if you will let it !!! So UN FRY AN EGG !!!!! It can be done !!! I just crack myself right up......I AM my OWN BEST AUDIENCE..ANYWAY......I always...say...maybe some of you are laughing too??? Now that would be Excellent...for this site to see........Where was I again?? Oh Yeah Monday...last week...I was really STRESSED OUT!!! and wanted to empty the magazine..many many times.(WANTED really bad...to be a POSTAL worker...for Halloween too...while we are at it !!! THat would have REALLY been funny...and IM just the girl...that would do it too !!!) ...Yeah...I was...really STRESSED OUT>>>with NO place to go..(BUT maybe right UNDER my desk...which is beautifully decorated for Christmas...right now...I might add !!!) ( IT looks...HOT and Excekllebnt...but It gonna...look...even hotter...when I am done with it...if you don't know...just IMAGINE !!! Got...people bring STUFF in !!!....Ill let you know !!)....at work...last Monday....but did the little thought cross my little Benzo Warped mind...to take a pill?? Did it ??? I ask you??? NO WAY !!! Id rather EMPTY THE MAGAZINE ON MYSELF !!! My message.....you knuckleheads......is really simple...there is NOTHING...that life...gives you that you need to take a pill for....So your STRESSED OUT MAN !!!! So WHAT !!! ...you know what got me through it ??? Prayer...thats what...and Gutting it out..and telling myself....that this too...shall pass...all bad things that happen to us in this life...do....and they get better....but sometimes...not as fast as we would like them too.( I know I want them better YESTERDAY !!!) ....sometimes..though...they get better ....to SLOW for us...to imagine.....like Benzo withdrawal....and we make some MISTAKES...along...the way...and have to start over and over many times.....and just keep getting...back up in the saddle so to speak....and keep on trying...to do better....this little area....relates......to another area in my life right now......and I am not taking about Benzo withdrawal....but we all have to keep on trying to do better......and we make mistakes...... What got me through the HORRORS of withdrawal??? Horror Movies...don't scare me...Ive seen hell...now Benzo withdrawal...now...that does scare me...and there is no way...I would go through that again...I would rather Shoot myself....and I am serious...like I have always said. to some of you....how many of you are in this group now ??? 200-250 or so ??? So many...and I cain't find time to read all of the mail...its really hard when you have your life back...but I really don't appologise...cause Ive EARNED it..I HAVE EARNED MY LIFE BACK !!! The utter agony...of what I went through....I have earned my seat here.....I really have...I have earned all of the money...that I am making today...and I have earned the beautiful day...that I spent...on Turkey day...with some of my friends.having dinner...at the Diner...on Soluth Beach.....and then we all going to the movie...Charlies Angles...go see it all of you...It's a real SCREAM !!! Last year...I couldn't laugh...or even cry...I really literally wanted to shoot myself...as I was so depressed...from the withdrawal...you knuckleheads...Depression..is part of it !!! and all of it passes !!! My BIG...decesion...for the day..at that time...was WHEN...I would have enough...STREGNTH....and STAMINA...to take the PINS and NEEDLES...of the shower.(THe shower...was literally Chinese water torture !!) ..as it was hitting my body....that was my BIG decesion for the day.....What time...for the BIG EVENT !!! .and I didn't leave my House...not at al ...for 4 MONTHS !!!! 4 whole Months !!! I am serious !!! and when I did...the very thought...of leaving...I had to call MANY people...on the telephone...and somebody...even came over...as I was to scared to go outside. of my house.....I would have Panic Attack...I had to tell myself...to just keep making the Mountains...into molehilles...instead...of makeing molehills...into Mountains...like I always...did before...I had to change...my thinking. ..it took Baby steps...all of you...putting one foot in front of the other..and NO PILLS !!! NONE !!! .and being DETERMINE...to get well...with God's help...as there is NO way I could have done this alone....I literally prayed all day....and I thanked God...at night for getting me through yet another day. ...WHATEVER DOESN't KILL US...ONLY MAKES US STRONGER......I am a true Benzo Warrior...as I have survived...and gotton...to the other side.....that's why It really up-sets me...when I see many people here...stugelling...SURE IM funny...But I am deadly serious...about allof this....This Is a Life...and Death...Ride....and you have to be strong...no slackers allowed !!! You cain't be a slacker...and be determine to go to any legnth to get well...it just doesn't fit...NO PILLS Your Drug...may be your problem !!! .....NO ANTIDEPRESANTS !!! That deserves Caps !!! Im SURE...I will get the FIRING SQUAD.... for my most outrageous View....But I do just LOVE Dr. Peter Breggins...Book...Your drug...may Be Your Problem...for so many many years...I was always looking for a pills to help me sleep...(Which is how this WHOLE nightmare started) a pill for anxiety...a pill..if your depressed...(Ive been on ALL of the Antidepresants !!! at one time or another.DO I WIN.....SOME SORT OF PRIZE ???? ..and guess what??? Do I sound depressed???? I THINK NOT !!!! My pills were CAUSING my depression....etc... My Pills were causing All of my problems !!! Untill you make that decesion...like I had to..and FINALLY saw...the light......I never would have gotton well. Probably would be dead today..the way I was going....I have no doupt of that little horrendous fact. No doupt at all. Im SURE some of you are wondering...how did I sleep....as that seems to be the BIG question...around Benzoland....at all times...since Ive been around....most of you know this story....not at all for 2-3 months...I would PRAY to God...before..I tried to sleep...Hey...I was in bed anyway...all day..and night too...for that matter....cause I was so sick...but I couldn't sleep...at all... sleep finally came at months...2-3...at about 1-2 hrs a night...getting progresively longer with time....You gotta be like I was determened to get well...and remain...drugfree...and just gut it out.....it is probably the longest symptom...to linger...Today...at 1 1/2 years....I still get up...about every...2 hours...or so .and walk aound...the house...and sometimes...warch the TV...for a few minutes...or read...but I am serious... this is a true miricle...and I am grateful...to God...for the sleep...that I do...get. I get on avarage...not...about...6-7 hours...a night...abnd if IM a REALKLY good girl...sometimes...8 !!! YEAH !!! It's comming up there !!! If your asking me...what has helped me...in this department...I will tell you Melatonin..does help...but I would really stress..,.not to take anything...in the begining...if you can possible help it...and try to just get though it. ...It is important to really know where your Baseline is...before you treat it with something. This is how I feel. I am also a firm believer...in vitamins...and amino acids...again...to build the body...and especially the brain...of depleatd nutrients. But NOT during EARLY withdrawal...as these can and do...esaberate symptoms....another thing...that really does...help promote...sleep...and decrease anxiety...naturally is Calcium...and Magniesium...suplements...before bedtime...this does help me too...and I usually take this every night...as I don't want to take Melatonin...to sleep...on a regular basis....Calcioum...and Magnesiuym...are both minerals...that are used for their sleep inducing...and calming properities....I suggust...about 1000 mg before bedtime...which is usually sifficient..( But you can PLAY with the dose !! you can PLAY just a little you wise guys...with vitamins...and minerals...but NEVER with other medications !...NO playing...with Benzo's allowed !! ) ..to help you sleep...is not habit forming...and also...helps your brain...to heal....as it provides minerals...that are calming....It is used for this purpose by many health practitioners...and I have done a lot of reading..on it...and it has helped me also....A deficiency of magniesium...which can be caused by Benzo withdrawal...can result...in depression. I have read that little fact too. I know that this note...is kinda...long...Not kinda anything...it is LONG !!! But I haven't written the groups...in such a long time...probably before I started work...in the begining...of September...is the last time...and work is wonderfull !!! Well just today...everybody...was putting up Christmas Decorations...and you do just want to know what I did ??? I started decorating...Cory...one of the guy's I work with !!! He looked really FESTIVE...when I was through...with him !!! I just COVERED him...with tinsle !!! Everybody...at work...was dying with laughter !!! A walking Christmas tree !!! last year...I couldn't even dream of working..let alone laughing....I couldn't even watch the TV....the noise...hurt my ears..I could barley watch the picture...with the sound OFF !!! ...and Wed night I was literally crying...I got to stay up late to watch David Letermen...and watch Richard Simmons...dressed up as a Turkey...for Thanksgiving...running around..in RED and YELLOW feathers...and head dress.....and sitting...on David's desk...and trying to kiss him...and IM crying with laughter.....David...hosed him off with a fire extinguisher... !!! To funny !!! Anyway...where was I ??? Oh Yeah !!! I WAS DECORATING CORY !!! Put Tinsle....ALL OVER HIM!!! and a little Santa Hat too !!! Everybody at work...was just dying with laughter !!! I just make work so much fun!!! They just love me there...and I love my job...too...I look forward...to going to worlk...and THEY PAY me !!! Go figure !!! Paying me to have a good time !!! .. Cory.....looked BETTER that the Christmas Tree !!! ..last week...I was nervous...and even...thinking of running...maybe to another job..which MIGHT BE easier (But you never know !!!) .cause I was SCARED !!! Scared of what I don't know of !!! But I faced my fears...with out pills I might add...and today...is a much better day !!! My boss....just stopped me...on my way out before Thanksgiving...and gave me a kiss..(Shes my friend too !!) .She KNOWS the hell...that I have been through...I just love my job...and she said...to me.....you are doing so wonderful....I am so glad that you are back. This brought tears...to my eyes...everyone....I wish you could have seen my Thanksgiving...(Which I don't remember 1 year ago) ANYTHING...that God...brings...to me today...I can handle....God doesn't give us...more than we can handle. Tonight....I road past my ALL TIME FAVORITE building in Miami...The Bank Of America Tower...Building...it my favorite trip.on the weekend...I do it.....I HATE Miami...but I love this building..I get to see what color...they have dressed up the building up.....Tonight....it is covered with the BEAUTIFUL BLUE Neon...all up and down..CERULEAN BLUE !!! What movie or TV show...did that come from..trivia question...for those in the KNOW !!! .Beautiful....peacefullltranquil Blue...gracing the skyline.the buliding.,,,LOOMS up...all lit up..as you aproach it.........looks like winter is upon us....it looks so very beautiful...against the Miami Skyline...I love to take that drive and think. I love to be by myself...and think....I just take in the Beauty...of the city around me....that I do so lOVE to complain about....I wish all of you could see how this building...that was ORNGE...and RED...yeasterday...towering...in the evening...skyline...looked HOT and excellent...was a MELLOW BLUE tonight!!! Cerulean Blue !!! LOOKS LIKE WINTER IS UPON US ONCE AGAIn!!! and I am so very happy to be alive to see all of this. All of you...please remember...you can get another...job...or another...husband...wife...or another place to live...but you cannot...get another life. I hope everyone in Benzoland has a very Happy Thanksgiving....and Peace to all of you. May the FORCE be with you !!! For me....that's God's FORCE !!! All of you are in my Heart.... Love, Blondie. |