Date: Mon Sep 6, 1999 9:02 am

Subject: Re: Digest Number 199

Hi Everyone: I am trying to address a few emails in one. First, on why I quit benzos: My life was a disaster. The benzos had ceased to really even work for me, I was drinking to help intensify the effects. I had no career, I had lost my biological son, quit school...gained 70 lbs. My relationships with my family were non-existent, because they started taking the "tough love" approach (which is a very good approach, in my opinion), my ex-husband (we divorced because of the benzo issue and then got back together) insisted that I quit "cold turkey" or move out (and I had no money, no job, and nowhere to go). My family wouldn't help me, because I wouldn't help myself. I guess they call it "hitting bottom".

I quit the 10 mg. of Klonipin cold turkey Oct 1, 1997, and have never looked back. Quit alcohol completely, too. Have not had one speck of a benzo, and have not had one sip of alcohol. I feel I have the Lord to thank for my making it through all this at all. I quit originally because of my ex's insistence (and I had no other alternative), but by the second month it was my own battle, and I was doing it for ME.

Now, I have a great job, and all the trappings of a normal life. Things didn't work out with my ex, but most of you know that story to a certain degree. I have a wonderful loving relationship with my family, and am humbly in awe of how they have forgiven me for so many mistakes, and can love me so much. I am planning to go back to school and finish my degree in the near future.

This brings me to my second issue: I cannot understand people writing that they are not sure benzo withdrawal is worth the effort. I get better all the time, and my symptoms are a minor inconvenience at this point. I am 99% better. I have been having sinus problems since I moved to Atlanta, but I think it's the smog and the foliage, not the benzo withdrawal. Like Rik said, my worst day of withdrawal is FAR better than my best day on benzos. There is so much life out there just waiting for you to grab it! It gets easier all the time, I promise! That's the one saving grace of this whole thing...we are always healing. Imagine people out there with degenerative diseases...who have to look forward to getting worse and worse, rather than progressive healing. That's something to think about next time your patience with this whole thing runs thin. If your choice is to stay on the benzos, that is your decision. But, please don't try to tell me how fruitless my persuit is until you yourself have gotten to the point I am at.

I love all of you in the group, and pray for you often. Nobody said this would be EASY, but it does get easier all the time. And, the life beyond all this is so great! I can't tell you how wonderful things are now compared to the chaos that was my life on benzos.

God bless, Carol