Date: Mon Aug 23, 1999 2:59 pm

Subject: My Benzo Nightmare

Hi everyone,

Glad to have joined this group. I have been off benzos for 2 1/2 years now,

(Xanax and Ambien, also) and am currently doing good, tho some physical

symptoms still are bothering me.

I started taking Xanax in June of 96, due to a series of personal crises.

Little did I know that I was beginning the most horrible time of my life! I

became addicted quickly, I remember not being able to put my then 5 yr. old

daughters hair in a ponytail, and thinking, "What is going on here, WHY can't

I do this simple thing?"The depression, anxiety and fear were HUGE and kept

me in my room most the time, as I felt that I was of no use to anyone. In

December of 96, I read a article in the Los Angeles Times about senior

citziens and pill addiction, and I realized that the symptoms were what I was

suffering. Please understand that during this time, I was never told my any

Doctor that I could be addicted. They just keep upping the dosage, and

assuring me that this would get better. I tried all different kinds of

anti-depressants, and none seemed to help at that time. I could only sleep

using Ambien, which is not listed in the PDR (Physican's Desk Reference) as a

Benzo, but does attach to the receptors, and for me, caused as many problems

as a benzo. I would average 4 hours a night, waking up when the drug wore

off. I thought if I got a good nights sleep, I would be so much better. What

a joke! I lost 20 lbs. and was terrified by de-realization, "high frequency"

sounds in my ears, and suicidal thoughts. I went into to Rehab on January 1,

1997, and stayed for 7 weeks, all the time hoping I would get better the next

day. I did learn coping skills, and that this was permanent, that my brain

was altered and injured, but would get back to "normal" in anywhere from 3

months to 3 years time. I was lucky to find people in the San Diego area, who

helped sustain me with phone calls and good advice, such as never to lose

HOPE, and to hang on, no matter what. No one thought I would make it, except

for my husband and my Addiction Doctor, Dr. Bob MacFarlane. There contstant

support and giving me a safe environment to heal in was so helpful. I was

unable to deal with my kids, except to do the most simple things, such a run

them to the corner store for a treat, but I have come to realize that, it

didn't matter that I couldn't do this things, I was NOT running away, I was

facing up to the withdrawal and all the horrible symptoms, and not relapsing.

I kept at it, attending PA meetings (Pills Anonymous) and any support group

that I could find. When I was losing it, which was often, I would call and

vent, and usually feel better. It was HUGE to learn that my pain was not

unique, tho I thought it was, so many before me had gone thru the same thing

and pulled thru. Around 2-3 months ago, my sense of humor reappeared, it

seems overnight! I was so thrilled, I thought that I had lost the ability to

laugh and smile forever. My depression began lifting, although I still have

problems with it some nights, but not anywhere as bad as before. Today, I can

do almost anything, and I am constantly amazed at the change in myself. Life

is worth living, I don't wake up with overwhelming dread, now I am happy to

face another day. I currently work, on occasion, at Dr. Bob's office, (for

almost 2 years now) and this has given me a opportunity to be in contact with

lots of benzo patients, most of which are staying off benzos, I am happy to

report! I have personally used Serzone, and Tegretol ( a Rx. drug used for

seizure pts.) and found them to be helpful, but they didn't take away the

withdrawals, just made it somewhat easier. I have experienced terrible

bladder pain, I have used a over the counter pill called Cystex, and using

Acidopollius, called Lactinex, which is also a over the counter medication,

has been most helpful. All of the above medications were okayed by Dr.Bob, I

NEVER use anything without his consent, I have learned alot of pills, even

herbs, can be bad in withdrawal. Drinking Alcohol in a definite NO, it will

actually make your withdrawal longer. It is so hard to be in such pain and

understand that this will end, but it does, we all need to hang on to that.

Since feeling better, I have been to Las Vegas on vacation, gone to a concert

and yesterday, gave my daughter a Birthday party. This was the first time in

4 years that I was able to do that. It meant so much to me to be there! I

wrote my favorite singer, Kenny Loggins, a fan letter (corny, I know) and he

wrote me back and gave me 2 free tickets to his concert in San Diego on the

25th. Wow!! I actually cried tears of joy, what a new experience for me!

Please hang on and keep at it, it can and does get better.

Sincerely,

Denise