Date: Wed Jan 26, 2000 7:09 am

Subject: Vision of Light

Dear xxxxx,

Since I have alot of time of Xanax, just thought I would share some things I

have learned and experienced.

At this time last year, I was over 2 years off Xanax, and still feeling

horrible! My life was basically just existing to get thru another day, so

that I would have 1 more day behind me in letting my befuddled brain heal!

The depression, anxiety, fear and physical symptoms were awful, for me the it

was tinnuitis, body jerks, stabbing and sharp, electrical shock type pains,

....well, we all know these type of symptoms, right? Oh, and one of the worst

things, was just the hopelessness, the feeling of just thinking that I could

not, would not make it thru another day. I use to marvel at how much pain I

endured.....the physical, mental and emotional hell was immense. There were

days when I just couldn't understand how anyone could tolerate so much pain,

and still survive! I didn't answer the phone, (except when working, 1 day a

week) or read the Newspaper, both of them upset me too much, I was of the

opinion that mostly it would be bad news, so why bother? I had enough bad

stuff in my brain to deal with, why add more?

I was reassured tho, that if I did continue to tough it out, and not relapse,

that I WOULD feel better! Hard to imagine.....you bet! However, since I go

to PA (Pills Anonymous) meetings, and work at my Addiction Doc's office, I

had a great support group, that I needed desperately! It was these people,

who help me to save my life. They offered me hope and faith to see beyond my

pain, and just keep going. To anyone who has never been to a PA, NA or AA

meetings, why bother to give a opinion, unless you have been to a few

meetings, and REALLY try to understand what its all about? If you don't want

to do the steps, then....don't do them! I had a real problem with the God

concept, for a long time, but that is not the case today.However, what I DO

know, from working in the office is, people who go to these meetings have a

better success rate at getting and staying off pills. I personally haven't

met that many "Accidental Addicts", the majority of people I have seen in the

office and at meetings, had a problem with pills prior to becoming addicted.

This was tough for me, to undertand and accept this, that tho I was given the

pills by a Doctor who should know better, prior to that I did have a problem

with pills. Today I have no problems talking back to Doctors, if needed, and

asserting myself in all situations that require any type of medication .

Fast forward to today, life is just great! I take pleasrure in the smallest

things, going to the supermarket, laughing with my kids and husband, going to

Concerts. All of these were not part of my life a year ago. I do all the

things I want to do now, and put off for so long! I drove my 2 eldest kids

to Las Vegas in December to go to the Billboard Music Awards so they could

see Ricky Martin, Brittney Spears and I could enjoy Celine Dion! What a treat

and joy this was! The next day, I drove back to Burbank and saw Celine Dion

on the "Tonight show", that was so much fun! And this involved LOTS of

driving, but ....who cares?! The thing is, I CAN do this now! Life is full

of things that I can do, as I am no longer bound by the limitations of

addiction and post withdrawal symptoms.

However anyone chooses to get off these benzos, I say, "Just Do It!" it is

wonderful to now be the person I AM, not the sick, fragile and scared person

that the benzos turned me into.

David, coming out the out of the dark into the light has been the most

incredible experience of my life. I marvel daily at all that I can do, and

how grateful I am for having my life back. Please hang in there.....it DOES

get better!

Sincerely,

Denise