From: "wiggybaby4us" <wiggybaby4us@y...>

Date: Sat Jul 20, 2002 1:54 am

Subject: It's me...and the memory is fading fast...!!!

Hello friends!!! A lot of you will not remember me...I am an old timer thank GOD!!! My typing has become much slower due to not pounding on the keys feverishly to find hope and the cure morning, noon, and night!! My time, instead, has been filled with a lot of living. I am a recovery success story...just read the archives to see just how tortured I was. I am going to...I am no longer afraid of the monster. I won...did you hear me you beast??!! I beat your sorry ass and these people will too!! One day, they are going to look back at this time and not be able to recall just every torturous second you tried to beat them into insanity.

One day, they are going to slurp down pots of coffee with extra sugar and not be able to recall the days you made them pay for just that one little cupcake they ate during withdrawal. You're not gonna win...we are!! Sure, you may be pretty strong and scary...scary enough to make us think that we will be damned with your games that have no rules...but your staying power sucks!! You will FADE!!! The "monster" that made me vomit and cry and suicidal and scared and dizzy and panicked and obsessed and sweaty and downright hopeless and insane...IS TEMPORARY!! Don't like that hung around your neck do you MONSTER??? Well, choke on it baby, TEMPORARY..... 'cause you are going to lose to each and every one of us!! I promise you.

To the victims of the monster...I know you don't believe me that you will have trouble recalling all the things you are experiencing right now. I know that you want to wrap your brain around and believe that this nightmare will end...but you think you are different from the rest and will never be set free. Don't believe it and don't try to control it. I used to hold myself while rocking chanting..."Everything is going to be okay...this is going to end or I will end me...just give it a little more time." Over and over again. I even obsessed about gravity and how I couldn't stop bouncing balls from coming down to the ground...and it PANICKED me!! Damn, I haven't thought about that one in like a year!!

anyway, I have finally healed to the point that I know the monster will never, ever touch me again. I even got to the point where I don't think about how if I get into a car accident and they give me benzos in the ER...oh shit...my Hell will start all over again!! That one took like until 6 months ago to stop obsessing over. I am a success...and you are all future success stories. There is nothing special about me that I can recover and you can't...I promise you I was not one of the "lucky ones". My withdrawal was terribly intense on all levels..physically battered and emotionally unstable for about a year and a half. I was a long time user of benzos..10 years or more..and was in my second withdrawal when I experienced this Hell. I was pregnant and cold turkeyed and suffered tremendously.

I was always on here looking for help or a cure and sometimes looking for a line to hold onto. No one knew everything that was in my mind...I was just too embarassed to share all the freaky things that were happening to me...but I did share an awful lot. Although I never found a cure...I found connection with people who were freaking like I was in one way or another. I scared some members with how desperate I was at times...and I was desperate. I have a loving but totally clueless family...they supported me terrifically through this but they were also hated at times by me. Sometimes, I hated anyone who was "normal" and not going through or relating to the torture in my mind. Full of guilt for being such a burden...you will make it up to them!! I know just me being normal is gift enough for my family.

I skipped out of here...not on purpose...other things take more importance in your life and time fades the memory of this. I swung in and out for a few months...then started to fear that I was getting weakened by the monster from reading other's stories and I got terrified and ran. You see, I still respected the power the monster had while in withdrawal and feared it would sneak back in...I did not want to becoame the first successful recovery to go back into withdrawal without having to take and stop taking benzos. You can see just how horrified I was...I was still experiencing some residual, irrational fear!!

I am perfectly bored with the daily activities of life and take everything for granted...just like I used to before the monster. I am back to obsessing over how much of the food money actually has to be spent on food and how much can I sneak away on some plants. I am 100% back to normal. The residuals took longer than I had expected...Hell, the whole thing took longer than I expected!! I only once experienced some withdrawal fear when I found myself spinning in bed while laying perfectly still...about 2 months ago. I had a virus in my ear that caused vertigo. I rolled over to my husband and beat him awake...I whispered, "IT'S BACK!!! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD...what am I gonna do??!!! Kris, I can't live through that again...I will just die!!!" I hung onto the walls and by the grace of God was able to remember how somebody knew somebody who got this way from an ear virus...I checked on here and WHAM-O...I was not in withdrwal...I was vertigo and could be treated with antihistamines...oh no, will taking Benadryl bring back the withdrawal?? Damn, I really had a lot of self talking to do for the next few days and looked for any and all clues that the monster was not going to come. So you see, the residual fear of this thing erupts from time to time...but that is it!!

My husband calls me his "Nutty-girl" and "Fruitcake" when I have these little episodes...he thinks it is cute!! What he never jokes about are the times I begged him to please kill me or the promises I made him give me that after the baby was born he would let me go so I wouldn't spend eternity this way. I was insane...I still can't believe I lived through it...I still can't believe I am so damn normal. I will be a little more appreciative tomorrow because of recalling some of these things. What I know for sure is that healing is slow...but inevitable. I promise you it will end...you are not different...you are not mental and your brain is not sick.

One day, there will be a cure for this Hell...for now, all you have is connection with others who are going through it too. This group saved my life and my little baby girl's life. If I did not find this group and the information I would not be here today. My heart screams for your pain and I would give all the money I have for you all not to have to go through this...I am so sorry I can't make a difference. Just know that one day you will look the monster in the eyes and feel the strength of what I am describing...and feel so damn powerful and in awe of yourself that you pulled through!!

Many Hugs,

Diane