October 6, 2002

Dear Sue

I apologize for taking so long to send you my story. It was wonderful to read your site and see the stories of so many old timers who are like my very own graduating class. I can personally vouch for the fact that all of us suffered so much and we helped each other through this terrible ordeal.

I became addicted to benzos through Zopiclone which my doctor suggested because I was having sleep problems related primarily to health issues (I had severe anemia for over 5 years). He told me it wasn't a benzo and had no side effects except leaving a bitter taste in the mouth. How prophetic his words came to be! I did not know at the time that Zopiclone is a very potent drug which although not technically a benzo has the same addictive qualities.

I used Zopiclone only a few days every few months - for about two years - and NEVER a full dose- but uncharacteristically started using it more and more until in late 1999 I used it steadily for about 3 months - again NEVER a full dose. I fooled myself into thinking that I was being so careful but then - I didn't know this drug was addictive or even what this meant. After several months I got panic attacks and severe anxiety and strange throat and neck sensations - as if I could not swallow. The sensations started at a certain time each day - but again, naive as I was, I never linked them to Zopiclone and not one of the doctors and specialists I was sent to see EVER mentioned this as a possible problem.

My anxiety\panic worsened and believe me - I tried everything to try to figure out the problem. Eventually my doctor said that I should take Ativan to see "whether I really had an anxiety problem" By then I was desperate and I agreed - even though I was very concerned about taking Ativan. But I did not improve - my anxiety got worse, I could not sleep, and developed  other symptoms - like derealisation, suicidal feelings - even agoraphobia. I was on Ativan for 4 months.

Only a benzo victim could understand what it is like to feel that your whole life has changed and that you have lost everything and the most of all, yourself.

To make a long story short - in desperation I eventually contacted a clinic that said they had lots of experience with benzos - they did not. I was taken off Ativan in 4 days (I had already dropped the Zopiclone). I was told I would be better in three weeks. So began my long long period of hell. My story is like so many others. Because I went off basically cold turkey I had very intense symptoms that afffected every part of my body. But at least I knew now what had been wrong and I also knew that by staying on the path of recovery I WOULD get well. Of course, I didn't believe this at first. Like all benzo victims I thought I would NEVER get well and I also believed that I must have an underlying disorder. People on the site and my husband tried to tell me hundreds of time that time and patience were the key to getting better.

And of course - I DID get well. It was slow at first and it went up and down - a few good hours led to a few good days and then a few good weeks. But always, in the year - there could be a down period after a good period. These were hard to take emotionally. But symptoms began to disappear ..first the psychiatric ones ...no more agoraphobia, no more derealisation, no more auditory hallucinations....the sleep improved and the horrific anxiety lessened and then disappeared.

Now I am two years off benzos. For all practical purposes I am completely recovered. I live a full life and work full-time at an intense job. I have children to take care of and I pursue many hobbies and interests. I run every day and Iift weights and I do yoga. I travel and I even drink coffee again (decaf mainly)! I am myself again and I have NO anxiety or panic.

Do I have some small reminders of this time? Yes, ......I have occasional symptoms and occasional poor sleeps, muscle jerks, tremor and stiff muscles. But they are like tiresome relatives who come to visit and they don't bother me or threaten me anymore. And I continue to improve! My tremors come back less frequently and my muscle jerks, while occasionally there, are no longer so intense. I believe that ALL my remaining (very limited) symptoms will soon disappear altogether. I very strongly believe that the body has its own wisdom and will heal itself - if we let it.

Exercise really helped me in withdrawal and I would say - TRY to walk at first and then develop a regular exercise habit. It speeded my recovery - I am certain of it. Try to comfort yourself with the knowledge that others before you have walked this path and survived. Above all, NEVER GIVE UP. There is nothing as precious as having ourselves - our own selves- back. No matter what the problems or issues in our lives, no matter whether we are happy or sad or worried or hopeful it is better to be what WE are - rather than to be made sick and confused by a drug.

Janet