From: "focus" <focus@c...>

Date: Sat May 5, 2001 9:27 pm

Subject: Recovery

Eight months ago I staggered out of a detox where I went to get off 1.5 Ativan, down from 2.5 which I had done myself the previous four weeks. I had been in tolerance withdrawal for several months bigtime - I started all this by taking Zopiclone (small dose) for about 4 months - developed symptoms on it - replaced it with Ativan (urging of doctor) and it was all downhill from there.

I seem to one of the people who got addicted very early - to Zopiclone and then to Ativan - and very intensely. I resisted taking the Ativan almost as soon as I began...however, in the end stayed on it for about 4 months too.

I went to the detox because I knew, from the tolerance withdrawal, that I would be very sick coming off and I didn't want my family to cope with it or my children to see me.

The first 3 weeks were beyond hell and the first 3-4 months very difficult. I had anxiety, panic and agitation 24/7, terrible insomnia and altogether about 40 other symptoms. For three weeks I either paced for hours a day or I lay curled up in a fetal position. I was so terrified I could not move an arm or leg an inch - it was just too scary for me. It took me six weeks to be able to move my legs straight in a bed rather than holding them against my chest. I had bruises all over my body, my body jerked constantly and I lost a huge amount of weight

My doctor had urged me to take Ativan and then urged me to try beta blockers (2 weeks) and Effexor(1 week) The Effexor made me very sick. Thank God my body couldn't handle any of this.

I am saying this not to scare people but to let them know that I WAS very ill and I have made huge steps towards recovery. I started back to work very part-time at about 2 months - it was so tough and I gradually worked more and more until at about 5 months I could work full time (pretty well) again. Now I live a normal life. I still have symptoms and they still come and go. In March I had a really difficult month - lots of anxiety again, poor sleep and terrible muscle and joint pain ...but April turned the corner again and for the last 5 weeks my sleep has improved and my anxiety is almost gone.

Only a benzo victim would understand how much I appreciate normal life now - going for lunch without anxiety, seeing my daughter at a choir concert and really being THERE not panicking, being able to relax more when I go to bed, waking up without the anxiety taking over, being able to take a short nap (this just started happening for me).

Believe me, I will NEVER take these things for granted again. I nearly lost them for GOOD. I feel I came so close to being lost and losing myself.

The main symptoms I have now are the continuing muscle aches and some fatigue that comes on really strongly. But other symptoms also come and go like tremors and muscle jerks. I can handle these although I wish the muscle/joint pain would buzz off.

Has the benzo monster finished with me??? I wish. I don't want to be pessimistic but I DID have a huge setback in March and I wasn't expecting it. I honestly went back to about 8 weeks off and for about 10 days I fell to pieces. So no, I expect the visitor could come back. I wish I could say I will handle it better next time...but I never really could. People have explained to me some symptoms could last up to a year and even beyond. At first this scared me but now I realize that I can handle this pretty well because many of my days now are very very good.

Please know for all of you still in the horrible midst of this that I had very very bad symptoms and I have recovered to 90% and I went cold turkey which is NOT the best way to do it. I was so ill that I never thought I would be well again or sleep again or enjoy a minute of my life again. I thought I had lost everything but most of all I thought I had lost peace of mind and peace of body. That is what I resented the most. Tolerance withdrawal was horrible too and for those of you in it...don't despair there IS an answer to this and it lies in getting off benzos.

Remember too that even though the first and most important step is to get off benzos - that the body still has to settle down and the neurotransmitters need to reset themselves. Benzos do disable neurotransmitters in the brain and they change the brain's structure. The brain and body have remarkable healing powers but we need to give them time so that the healing CAN take place. Don't let ANY doctor tell you that once you have stopped taking benzos that you should be automatically completely well. This healing process still needs to take place. It will be different for all of us and will vary in intensity but it does need to happen.

I guess I also learned that I was capable of much more than I thought I was. I think I have always thought of myself as pretty much a wimp - especially when it came to physical bravery. But I learned differently. I (and all of us) are capable of extraordinary things when we want something badly enough - and I wanted to get off benzos more than anything else.

This kept me going all through those dark dark days.

I salute all of us in this struggle!

Janet