7/24/02

As an addiction counselor, I should have known better,

however I was completely clueless. I began having

problems sleeping as part of all the lovely

pre-menopausal symptoms. My husband offered me a

klonopin after numerous really bad nights of no sleep.

It was the miracle drug. I began sleeping at night and

started loosing weight, which I attributed to more

energy and motivation to work out. I finally went to

my doctor and asked for my own prescription. There was

never a question raised about my sleep disorder or

what might be causing it. So bottom line - I was given

Klonopin for pre-menopause.

After 3 years of taking it every night, I began to

learn more about the drug and realized that I had to

be addicted. Even then, I thought I would just go

through a few bad days of w/d and then be done with

it.

After 4 months of unrelenting illness, knowledgable

people in my field were telling me that something else

must be wrong with me - benzo w/d doesn't last this

long. That is when I got on the internet and learned

for the first time that I had benzo w/d syndrome and

that I was far from being alone. Oh, and I also gained

back every ounce I had lost so rapidly, I thought I

might explode. After rapidly gaining 20 pounds

(mostly in my mid section) I looked 7 months pregnant.

I was absolutely terrified of what I had done to

myself but stayed committed that I would find the

strength and the courage to someday be whole again.

I began working out religiously even though my legs

felt as though they could barely support me. The

symptoms would subside slightly for a very short time,

but I stayed convicted that this was the way out.

It took 18 months before I felt "normal" on a regular

basis. There were windows of relief, but the feeling

of normal did not happen until then.

After 26 months, I still feel some occasional fatigue

and tingling in my feet. What a powerful poison! I

have lost some of the weight and the pregnant look is

gone, however return to the old size will be a long

time coming. I have decided that baggy and comfortable

is OK.

No one will ever know how terrifying this experience

is and how much courage it takes to survive through

it. All I can say to anyone just beginning this

journey is, follow the protocol of recovery - it is

painfully slow but it works. Dont fight w/d, relax and

flow with it. This actually lessens your symptoms.

Dont expect anyone you know to understand or even

support you in this process. They do not understand.

They are not bad or uncaring people, They just have no

way to connect with this, so dont set yourself up for

disapointment.

But most important - never give up hope or the faith

that you will come out whole on the other side. You

can't always see the light at the end of this tunnel

because it is long and winding, but I promise you it

is there.

Jill