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Pete's Story 2 Years My story pretty much reflects that of most people who've fallen victim to benzodiazepines. The ignorance surrounding their potential for harm. The manner in which the tolerance to them discreetly crept up on me. Of course,I also shared many of the horrid and baffling withdrawal symptoms. After what I had first thought to be a benign use of 30 mg's of Valium over the course of 7 months, I abruptly discontinued the use of the drug. In hindsight I wish that I had learned more before ending the use of Valium in this manner. The dangers and the misery that lurked out of sight were about to pounce, and I had little comprehension for what I was about to endure. What could have been a more tolerable experience due to my limited use of these drugs turned into a nightmare at my own doing. The apex of the withdrawals wasn't reached until a week into my ordeal. Still thinking that the worst would soon be over, I held steady to my plan to refrain from any further doses. That spell was broken in exactly two weeks. My first day of feeling normal had blessed me. This is a very important part of my story as the following day I was met with terrible symptoms once again. It is important because it was a sign that what I was feeling was not imaginary. My first day of feeling well provided me with the mindset that it was over. With such an attitude, I realize that it was not I who inadvertently produced the symptoms in some form of self-fulfilling prophecy. It also provide me with my first introduction to the roller-coaster ride that benzo withdrawals truly are. The next 4 months were extremely uncomfortable. Rabid gastro problems and insomnia which I thought would drive me mad or kill me. The other symptoms were only icing on the cake compared to these two. Perhaps the anxiety produced by either these two symptoms, or other influences came in at a close third for the misery I was dealing with. To continue to describe the pain and complications would require far too much time. It would also be redundant since my experience followed so closely the other patterns described by my fellow benzo sufferers. It was between the 4th and 5th month that I found the ability to cope with my problems. By then I had all the tests done by my new doctor. I had found a message board to explain to me that I was not alone. The now dwindling symptoms were becoming sporadic and were approaching me in shorter cycles. This combined with my honest realization that it was all related to withdrawals gave me the insight to begin fighting back. I did my best for the following weeks and months to recognize my moments of strength. When I was relieved of the worst withdrawals I attempted to slowly pick up the pieces of my life. Considering the magnitude of the loss of quality of life earlier, any sight accomplishment became an incredible triumph. A trip to the gym. A social gathering. Even the escape of laughter that I hadn't heard from myself for so long. This was not the end of my suffering by any means, but rather a chance at a new beginning.
The doubts and fears still lingered with a vengeance that required my respect. The only benefit was that at this time I was able to turn the obsession with my experience into a situation which I could apply some logic towards. Instead of constantly speaking of how I felt, or how I would never heal, I began to discuss how I would cope until I finally reached the end. This newfound ability to address the issue with some sense of control further reduced what the still present physical symptoms were doing to me. I do not honesty know when my ordeal had finally ended, or if it really has ended. I don't think that people ever paid as much attention to how they felt and lived prior to the use of benzos, compared to how they focused on those issues while in withdrawals. My dilemma has burred my own perception of myself, and who I was before this. While this is a frightening thought indeed, it also has it's benefits. I have accepted the fact that I now have a clean slate for which to work with. I identify plenty with my former self, and for the most part feel 100% again. It is the reminder of what I went through which distorts my self-identity at times. This is what produces the thoughts of whether or not I may not be slightly changed after going through this. Like anything, we do have to find some good within the bad. We can take the aftereffects of our ordeal and allow it to haunt us. However, a much better idea would be to use it to our advantage. The amount of strength, will, and sheer determination to endure these withdrawals can be just as effectively used to contend with the issues which led us to these drugs in the first place. It may also be used to identify with aspects of ourselves which we may wish to work on. Hypothetically speaking, if we can only return to 90% of our former selves after benzo withdrawal, then what better things than strength, will, and determination are there to rebuild the other 10% that's missing? Perhaps build it better than it previously was. There exists a great deal of advice as to what to do, and what not to do in regards to coping with ending the use of benzodiazepines. There are strong correlations between people's experiences, and just as many unique differences. What I can say is that a person going through this can do everything wrong just short of returning to the use of these drugs, and time alone with still heal them. There are no two courses to the finish line that are completely alike. No tricks to completely smooth out the bumps, and no shortcuts to the end. What we do have is the ability to recovery from this, and a guaranteed shot at regaining everything we once had, and much, much more. Your benzo friend, Pete |