Story- rik

From: "Rik Roberts" <rik9393@e...>

Date: Fri Nov 29, 2002 7:41 am

Subject: My Story

Since I have returned back to the is board I have received several E-mails

asking about my background and benzo experience.

I seldom post on this board and actually have tried to distance myself from

the entire benzo issue for the last few years. I have received a very strong

calling to return to help others out of this life passage and will be

working towards establishing the Benzodiazepine Recovery Center later in

2003.

This is my thumbnail background: undergraduate degrees in human sciences and

pre-medicine, postgraduate degrees in counseling psychology and chemical

addictions and lifelong research and writing on medicine, wholistic health

and spiritual paths. In spite of this training a persistent and often severe

anxiety disorder caused me to believe the medical lie that benzodiazepines

were the answer. My degrees and professional credentials did not prepare me

for the damage done by benzodiazepines or provide the knowledge necessary to

extract myself from their grasp.

On a very, very low dose of Xanax I was in major trouble within 6 weeks,

became severely paradoxical in 12 and went on a years crusade looking for a

way to get off without enduring the near seizures I experienced with even

minute cuts. I was in and out of 4 treatment centers, two mental hospitals

and more doctors than I can count and at one year was so sick on the drugs I

had to hire a live-in caretaker.

I eventually left my resort area home and rented a small apartment one block

from a major city hospital emergency room and began the self directed

8-month titration down and eventually off. In spite of minute cuts my

withdrawal was severe; for over 2 years I had absolutely every symptom on

the benzo symptom list and in addition hallucinated often and was outright

psychotic for months. I tried EVERY holistic and medical treatment known. I

had drawers of failed medicines and natural substances, healing tapes, had

been to many religious healers of all faiths in the end a bought a pair of

regulation police handcuffs to shackle myself to my bed to so I would not

commit suicide during the worst days. I used them often!

I have been off all medications over 12 years now…in the days I detoxed

myself there was no Internet, no support groups and I did not meet another

benzo survivor until I was over 3 years off. This was truly my dark night of

the soul.

Possibly because of the paradoxical effect I experienced my withdrawal was

protracted and severe. I had no windows until around my 5th year. For the

first 2 years, 2 hours of sleep were maximum, I would spend the days with

endless walking, sometimes up to 8 hours continuously! My nights were passed

screaming into a pillow or curled up in a fetal position rocking myself. I

prayed to see the next sunrise and the tiny bit of reality the daylight

brought. My body went into breakdown- normal colds and flu’s lasted months,

my liver was sick from all the drugs I took to stop the symptoms and I

experienced literally hundreds of physical breakdowns due to the stress and

lack of sleep. I was on a first name basis with the local ER staff for

years.

Fast forward: it has now been over 12 years and I have recovered from the

benzo damage and the severe anxiety disorder. My only lingering symptom is

stress sensitivity.

Along the way done thousands of hours of research, have charted the blind

alleys, failed promises of both medicine and wholistic health and the

ignorance of those who should have known. At one point as I began to recover

I posed as a doctor and called every major teaching hospital and treatment

center in North America and had vigorous discussions with medical department

heads. In over $5,000 in telephone calls I found one doctor who had credible

knowledge on benzos…the rest denied the patient case I described (myself) or

rigorously supported the use of benzodiazepines. The treatment centers were

outright dangerous and extremely misguided…and remain so to this day.

It has been a long, unwanted journey. I have learned much and continue to

put the pieces into place. For want ever divine plan it appears I am being

called back into service to help others though this passage…understand I am

very reluctant. Having survived this, most want to distance ourselves as far

as possible from any hint of this time....my emotions are the same!! I am

taking the process of opening a Center for Benzodiazepine Recovery on step

at time and allowing it to manifest itself.

In a few words the most healing thing I can impart is that absolutely

everyone heals no matter how severe your benzo illness...no one remains in

acute withdrawals forever.

Be well

James R. “Rik” Roberts