13 1/2 months off

From: Sheila7895@a...

Date: Tue Nov 21, 2000 6:10 pm

Subject: I'm Back.......

Good Evening,

I've been meaning to write for quite some time, I'm sure many of you know me and those that don't I will give a brief history.

I have been off ativan for 406 days. I was put on ativan while my husband was ill and kept on for 2 years after his death. I never upped my dose just took the.5mg 3x a day just like the Dr. ordered. I had been married for 28years since I was l7 years old. We had 3 beautiful sons. When he died I was devastated, I did not know how to run a house hold, had not worked but only very part time. Now I was left to raise 3 young sons, keep up my home financially. So many changes.

After a couple of years I felt I was handling my life and wanted to stop the ativan. My Dr. said ok. Well, as you know all HELL broke loose. I was having extra heart beats for which I was put on a heart drug, nausea and vomiting, I was put on a stomach pill. My Dr. said
I was not ready to come off the ativan and doubled the dose and sent me to a Psychiatrist who put me on Zoloft.

I was still awaking at 3AM with tremors, my symptoms were incredible, burning, shaking, crawling skin, nausea (lost 20 lbs.) Was only 120 to begin with. Nightmares, could not look at a knife without seeing it going in and out of my throat and stomach, morbid horrid
sexual and other sick thoughts. I could not walk across a room without getting deathly ill. Muscle so week and quivering I was sure I had MS. My Dr. would not believe it was the ativan even though I told him I felt I was toxic. I asked him to do a drug test to see if I was toxic. He assured me it was due to my grief and tried me on klonipen, buspar, wellbuterin, xanax, you name it he tried it to no avail.

I finally sought out a Dr. of Naturopathic medicine who took one look at me and said I was toxic. I had severe edema, malnourished, severe neurological and CNS damage. I was dying.

She told me to get on the Internet (which I had never used in my life) and type in ativan. To find out all I could about the drug. This is just what I did, I typed ATIVAN and HELP. I was answered my Denise who works for a Neurosurgeon/Addictionologist in CA and this was the beginning and end of my nightmare. She got me in touch with Geraldine and this group.

I also found an MD who had a very slight knowledge in benzo withdrawal but was willing to listen to me. I gave him the Accidental Addict to read and he helped. I was recommended and Acupuncturist named Phil who was my life saver. He saw me at a moments notice for hours on end. He taught me coping skills to get me hour to hour. I found an Addiction Therapist who made me angry and gave me the drive to get off. I worked to find this team. I was alone with 3 young boys, no one to believe me.

Geraldine and Denise were getting well, I followed them I clung to their advise, they actually yelled at me when I got off and was ready to relapse 3x in one week. I did not!!! I tapered 1/4 a .5mg pill every two weeks. I marked it on the calendar as I had no relief. I never had a good day. This took me 6 months.

Once off I had two good weeks and was thrown back into torture for one full month. After that I began to have one good hour, then
one good day and on and on. I had to get better, my sons had lost their father, they could not loose their mother also. This went on for many months. So much more to tell you but I know it's difficult to even read this.

I have been off 406 days and am well, I had about 3 months where I was symptom free. At the moment I am having head pressure with some eye muscle problems for which I am having and MRI tomorrow. I always feel it's better to be safe than sorry. This may be due to the fact that I am back into life with all it's stresses, we shall see.
I am back doing my Yoga which I had to give up, I will ski this winter, I am working full time, just remarried a wonderful man. I go dancing, hiking, I can go to a movie without my head jerking backwards. I can walk a mile without vomiting. My skin does not burn or crawl, I can wear a sweater and panty hose without this feeling of water dripping off my skin yet it is bone dry. My whole body does not shake, I can cut meat with a knife!!!

I write this to show you their is hope. I just spend 3 days with Denise from CA going to a concert, out to eat, even riding the T in Boston and visiting my sister at the state house.

Please write to me if you like. I'm here to help anyone. I've written an
article and had it published in the local newspaper and have been answered by many. I am trying to fight this by writing letters and articles.

Keep going forward, very slow but don't stop, there is a whole new and wonderful world for all of us. It is the worst torture you will ever go through, stick with those on the list, seek out help. PLEASE do not give up.

My love and prayers to you all

Love Sheila