From: Sheila7895@a...

Date: Mon Mar 6, 2000 8:05 am

Subject: Looking back and at the moment.....

Good Morning,

Before I got up this AM I was thinking back as to when this all started. I remember at work I'd walk to the General Store which is about a 1/4 of a mile from the school. I would come back very sick, nausea, muscles quivering, disoriented and such fear. My Dr. kept telling me it was anxiety. I knew in my heart it was more. So for four months I went crazy thinking I was crazy and getting more and more ill.

When I look back even further while on the ativan for years I had many more fears and panic attacks, severe stomach problems and extra heart beats. I do believe it is the receptors that are damaged but in my opinion I feel my body was extremely toxic from the drug being in every cell in my body, not just my brain. I was deathly sick. I think the hardest thing for me throughout this was believing it was all benzo related. How could a drug cause MS symptoms, edema, how could I not walk across a room or write a note or check, why would my legs jump uncontrollably, and I had inner tremors. How could I burn and feel drippy wet yet not sweat or have a fever. Then the thoughts of going mad and the months of endless sleep.

Now at 5 months off ativan I can say it was all benzos. I lost the tremors 3 short weeks ago and just this past week my eyes and eye muscles are returning to normal. Everything has left me one by one and I'm able to do just about everything I did before starting ativan 6 years ago. I get up each and every morning and smile and breath and stretch into the sun shining into my room. And of course thank God for my life back.

Then I do some Yoga and exercise as my muscle tone was gone after a year of not being about to do anything but survive. I cannot stress enough that this does all end. There is an end and a new beginning. Please be as strong as you can, try to take no other meds unless absolutely necessary to survive. Try to move just a little and eat a little if that is an issue. Everything in little tiny yet strong steps forward. No going back.....

Our nightmare ends when the drug/monster is out of our body then we feel ourselves healing each and every day. I was where you are now, come to where I am now. It's so much work but it is so worth the fight. Could I do it again, I really don't know. It was that horrible for me, but I had to go on for my sons and now I want a new life for me too.

So much love your way,

Sheila