Date: Wed Mar 1, 2000 3:46 pm

Subject: Still healing day by day......

Hi, My vacation is flying by and I haven't got a great deal accomplished. I've been asked by quite a few how I stopped the ativan and what happened from there. After my 6 month taper I was down to 1/4 of a .5mg tab. I was still very ill and called the UK hot line. They told me that I would probably get worse but that was good, it meant I was withdrawing from the medication and my body was screaming for it. They told me to cut that in 1/2 with a razor. I was putting a tiny piece of powder on my tongue. After a week of that I started to feel well so I stopped after a week, had one more week of feeling good and was hit very hard for one more month. Almost relapsed 3 times but was told not to ever do that or I'd pay and I could pay no more.

After that month different symptoms came with the old. Lots of muscle pain and could not walk, drive, etc. but little by little every symptom started to leave. All of a sudden I could walk without getting horrible sick. I was off the end of Sept. Probably about the end of Jan. I noticed my skin wasn't burning, or feeling drippy wet. My muscles weren't aching horrible. Then a coupe of weeks ago I noticed that the inner tremors were gone, just vanished!! Now this week my eyes are not pulsating and feel like sand in them. Only when I drive now I have eye problems.

I think the more I am away from the drug the more I heal. I could have a set back but I'm not counting on it. I do think the reason I'm doing well is I never went back once I stopped. I was lucky that my heart did not like antidepressants. They always gave me PAC's (extra beats) plus I was scared to death to get addicted to another drug. But Geraldine and Denise were so strict with me about relapsing. They pulled me through and even got a little angry with me when they knew I was on the verge of taking more. But in my heart I knew that even a sliver of ativan would send me back to that Deep Dark Pit of withdrawal and I could not do that again. I could not have survived.

I see so many going forward, some recently off, some just ending and others starting their life again. I can't stress enough to go forward very slow with little baby steps but keep going forward, no back steps or we pay dearly. Wishing you all continued strength to reach the end of your nightmare. Oh by the way the nightmares are the first to go. I had them for a year straight, now I sleep in my room and look forward to sleep. Bet you never thought you'd hear me say that!!

Love and strength

Sheila