Story - shelly2yr

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Update	16 Months	1 Year
6 Months	Benzo Belly & Sugar

Tomorrow marks my two year anniversary benzo free. It is sometimes hard to imagine that that time has gone so quickly, but I also remember days of feeling like I wouldn't last another hour, let alone get through the days ahead. I found this group in November of 1999. My taper from Ativan/lorazepam lasted 4 months. There were lots of people that helped me then and lots of those folks were suffering just as badly if not more so than I was, thank you. I'd log on every morning, sickest time of the day, looking for the right answers and support to get me through this.

It seemed so inconceivable that benzos could be responsible for all that was bothering me. I think that is the hardest part about benzos, the inability to understand how these drugs can affect every aspect of our body and mind, every aspect of our lives. I had just about every symptom you can think of and occiaionally sought help for some that I thought were unique only to me-the bottoms of my feet peeling, my toenails turning white, my mouth twitching uncontrollably and where in the heck did that horrid metallic breath come from? There of course was the anxiety to deal with and all that that entailed-agoraphobia, clautrophobia, fear of being alone, and ironically inability to have folks around me at the same time. Amazing how these drugs can affect us.

After going through 3 different doctors prior to finding this site and learning what was truly wrong with me, frankly, I had little hope. But I took the best care of myself I could, and I never looked back once I came "here" and learned what was making me so ill. I never slowed my taper, because it seemed a reasonable rate to me and I never added other drugs. I tried a few suggestions like taking Calcium, Zinc, St. Johns Wort and multi vitamins, but frankly they all made me worse. I found the simpler I kept my "chemical intake" the better I felt. Anything we ingest is a chemical compound of some sort or another and my compromised body/brain seemed to do best when I kept it simple.

Protein rich diet and complex carbs seemed to make the biggest difference in how I felt, that and tons of water. Sugar made me ill at first, so did coffee/teas and rich or spicy foods did not set well. I also avoided any food additives like MSG, sufates, preservatives and artificial sweetners or flavorings-here again anything that was too complex in it's chemical make up made me feel worse. I tried to eat as much food from "scratch" as I could because then I knew what was going into it and what wasn't. The first year I ate all locally grown organic produce, more expensive, but I figured it was cheaper than a trip to the doctor.

Walks-they were tough at first, but I made myself go. I pushed myself at first to go to the corner when I felt I couldn't breathe or ached or was dizzy. It got easier and gave me a great sense of accomplishment just to get around the block. Swimming or just plain laying in the pool soon thereafter really helped me to relax and even when I couldn't yet do too much physically was great for the muscles and tension. I found if I lay around too much it just made me more achy, kept my anxiety higher and made it more difficult to keep my mind off my problems. I KNOW it's not easy and I'm not suggesting you join an aerobic group or run a 5 k,,but doing even mild exercise is crutial. Moving around helps to get rid of the bad chemicals (excess adrenaline) and helps you to produce the good/happy chemicals (endorphins). Keep busy. I tried and did it all to keep my mind off of just a FEW moments of withdrawal symptoms.

Prior to benzos I was an avid reader, but when all the symptoms kicked in I just couldn't comprehend or concentrate. So I switched to magazines and newpaper articles that were less brain taxing. And I made things, pillows, cards, stuffed bunnies, Christmas ornaments, you name it. But I couldn't really sit still to do that for any length of time either, but I'd work on them when I could and then pick them up again later when I felt better. Making an ornament or some other little thing was a real challenge, but it gave me a satisfaction of at least doing SOMETHING on those days when I was so ill.

Work-boy that was tough! My first job back after tapering was the spring after my taper-I lasted two whole days and cried my eyes out each night. I've worked for a year and a half again now- there were days I thought that would never be possible again. As I mention recently, I love my work and I think it's important to try and find something that make you happy and keeps stress to a minimum.

Friends and family? Well, during my benzo ordeal I managed both a marriage and a divorce. Certainly not what I had in mind. My family still thinks I should be completely over my benzo ordeal and that I'm just not a "very strong" person. If they only knew! Friends? I've lost a few who either thought I was off my rocker because I couldn't work or drive or they just plain gave up when I kept saying no. But the really true friends are still there, they pick up the ball again. And here, at the benzo group I made friends who will last a lifetime. You can talk about how hard it was till the cows come home, but ultimately only those of us who have been there know how hard it can be and what we have survived.

This is most likely the toughest thing you will ever do in your life. Hard as it may seem now, I believe we can be better people as a result of it. We learn to appreciate the simple things again, no not again, we learn to appreciate things like we never did before. So what's life for me at two years off. I'm giving it to you straight. I still get symptoms, they pop up from time to time. I'll admit when they hit they are frustrating as all get out. I still have some muscle soreness, some numbness from time to time in my left foot, weight gain and gut/digestion problems that come and go, sometimes a bit of MILD aggitation, but not outright anxiety. All the other stuff? It's gone. Shew!

Now, I have one more comment and that is regarding the moderators. I have never met a more dedicated, self sacraficing, caring and forgiving group of people. Do you know what they worry about when they're feeling poorly themselves? All of you. They've put aside their aches and pains and personal problems to help all of YOU even when many times they were having a rough go of it themselves. Do you know what they spend in terms of hours, emotional energy and seeking out answers on your behalf? No, we are not professionals, but somehow I and countless others managed to get through this with the help of people just like ourselves.

If it wasn't for this site there are many of us that would still have been out there getting sicker and sicker. So I say thanks, first and foremost to Geraldine for setting up this site. And thanks for the other moderators for continuing to do the best that they can. I say thanks to the "oldies" who gave me a hand up when I needed it. And Cam, big hugs and a happy two years to you as well!