To: benzo@yahoogroups.com

Subject: [benzo] 17 months benzo free

Date: Sun, 6 Jan 2002 21:17:10 EST

Hi Group,

I've been feeling pretty darn good lately and I wanted to give a little

progress report about how things worked for me. There are many new members

and I hope I can be of help.

My addiction to benzos nearly destroyed my life and at the time I felt that

nothing really mattered except finding relief from escalating panic,

paranoia, and constant anxiety. Everything I had worked for was in jeopardy

and I was scared and desperate.

My work was suffering, my wife had enough of me and I think my kids were

afraid of me. I guess the pills weren't working anymore-lol.

So I did the FAST detox thing, not knowing that perhaps this was a stupid

idea. I never was informed about tapering, never told withdrawal was a long

battle but told it would take "a few weeks" to get back in the swing of

things. I am still leary of what doctors tell me, made some money for the

hospital and made myself miserable in the process.

Once home I did the best I could thinking this would end soon. Spent most

my time trying to keep the evil thoughts and obsessions out of my head and

dealing in unreality and rage. The anxiety, depression and unreality was

unbearable at times. I thought I would die at first and at times was

wishing I would. I started looking on the net about my addiction and eventually

found Rays site and this group. I was scared at first reading letters about the

severity of it all and how long it would take but hung around anyway. I

eventually found many people who have helped me find my way out of this

mess and will never forget the kindness and compassion displayed to little old

me.

You all know who you are!!! Thanks again !!!

17 months have passed since I walked out those hospital doors. Many

setbacks have come and gone and left me wondering if it would ever end. I've had clear good, calm periods followed by bad ones. I've also managed to do

things I never thought I could do again. I'm working, traveling, shopping, doing

all those normal things I had stopped doing for so long. My family is together

and healthy again, not perfect but working on things. Panic doesn't scare

me anymore and I haven't had a panic attack in a LONG time. I find trivial

things aren't worth worrying about either. I've gained a new sense of

compassion for others and a patience in allowing my fragile system to heal

further.

So I'm not 100% yet, guessing 90%. I can still get some down days and some

cloudy thinking and an occasional heart palp and slight dizziness during

stressfull times, but I have no right to complain and they don't stop me

from doing much. I can even joke about it now. I feel I've won this battle with

the help of my benzo friends telling me I'm doing as good as can be

expected for my withdrawal. I realize that any great upsets or additions to my

system can bring about nasty stuff for me. But to get to this place I find myself

in was worth every ounce of pain. I hope you all get to this place too

someday.

I think with knowledge and acceptance you ALL can, this goes for everyone

here. From those just starting on their taper to those going through a

longer

protracted withdrawal. I know time heals the wounds, some just faster than

others.

Continued healing for us all in 2002,

Tom