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From: the4kerns@a... Date: Sat Jul 28, 2001 8:21 pm Subject: My Anniversary
Hi Group, On July 29th 2000 I became benzo free. It was a desperate act on my part because my world was crumbling and I was SCARED. I had a good idea that the benzos were to blame for most of my troubles but at the time never realised how much they were really involved. My wife had left me back then because of my rage and my paranoia. I accused her of awfull things and wasn't an easy man to get along with. My work was going downhill, my kids were afraid of me, and I was having daily panic attacks that no amount of xanax or Ativan could stop. I started taking more than I was supposed to for relief but never found any. I'm still ashamed that I had gotten so out of controll and so desperate but I must remember I was not myself. I thought death was not a bad idea back then. I didn't care, couldn't love, couldn't live properly in society. I had become a monster. So I went to detox at the urging of a business friend and my HMO. I was treated poorly and felt I was just another money maker for the hospital in that place. I was surrounded by deeply psychotic individuals and people going through intense withdrawals, screaming and hallucinating. It is a place I will never return to. After lying my way out I was sent home doped up on Phenobarbitol and allowed to drive home. I'm lucky I didn't get in a wreck. More lies continued as I got home and tried to recover. The doctors said it should be over in weeks and I waited and waited. Nobody had a clue how to help me locally. Then I found the group and found out the truth. I was impressed by all the intelligent members and the compassion given to little old me. I made friends who I wrote to almost daily. One in particular I feel may have saved my life. I'm forever gratefull for finding this website and the people in it. All that have helped me know who you are. It was incredibly hard as month after month went by with all those ups and downs. The DOUBTS I had about getting better were constant. I had roughly 40 symptoms to deal with. Then things started to happen, I started getting windows of normalcy. Most of my biggest advances came at months 7-8 for me. Some people are quicker, some take longer. Even to this day I have setbacks, but no worries from me. I know how this works now and they are minor in comparison. So today I find myself happy to be where I am. I'm working maybe more than I should. I'm working on my marriage and have high hopes for that. I have incredibly good days I thought were forever gone and some not so great that I just accept as part of the process. My thought for all of you is to remove those doubts you may have about getting better. Don't sweat the setbacks, have pateince in your own body and avoid stress and the wrong foods and stimulants. Above all for me it helped to communicate with others in my same place in time. I even started talking on the phone with them. Tomorrow I take the family to a ball game and celebrate my 1 year Love and respect, Tom |