From: The4kerns@a...

Date: Sun Jul 28, 2002 11:09 am

Subject: 2 years benzo free

Hi Group,

It's now been 2 years since I fast detoxed in that stupid hospital. Some days

I wonder how I ever did it and some days it just seems like it wasn't real or

a terribly bad dream. I still hold a bit of anger about what happened to me,

both at myself and the medical community, but it does me no good in my

continuing recovery. I've come to just accept that part and to hopefully have

learned a few things along the way.

I'm still amazed at how long this process has taken me but also happy for my

progress. I still get frustrated that I can't handle stress as well as

before. I still get bouts of dizziness and fatigue when I feel overwhelmed

with my rather simple life but I must admit they are MUCH less often and not

as scary- I just take a nap-lol. I did have a couple days of those dreaded

heart palps return recently after they had gone away for a long time but they

dissapeared faster than they used to. I think the heat of summer and me

trying to be everything to everybody have not helped much. I still need to

take care of myself better at times.

The biggest difference that I feel is the absence of fear and the reduction

of all those thoughts that always entered my head at the worst times. The

fear and the negative, almost constant inner chatter over my condition and

how it effected every aspect of my life was very stressfull and scary. I'm

very relieved that this is gone as well as the benzo induced depression and

unreality. I go about most days interacting with people, not feeling so self

conscious about myself and having HOPE about my future. I don't fret

much,don't doubt much, or analyze everything I do. I am stronger than I was

at 1 year off so thats improvement. I also get less stressed than I did at 18

months off so thats improvement. At 6 months off I was a basket case after

the cold turkey, thats for sure.

I'm not going into all my original symptoms because you guys know them. I

feel about 90% healed- somedays 100%- and I know some people off shorter than

me who healed faster so please don't compare yours to mine. I also know

people off longer than me and are still struggling. My heart goes out to them

but I know improvement happens for us all. I just wish it was faster.

I want to thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive to me. There are

too many to mention, without forgetting somebody, and some of them have moved

on with their lives and left the group. I try to return the favor by helping

out in here when I can but I can never repay it all back.

Time heals friends,

Tom