Date: Wed Mar 6, 2002 10:19 am

Subject: Negative thoughts and windows

Hi Everyone,

When I was in the thick of things I had an almost impossible time coming up with a positive thought about my future. I was in this dark place that even the best and most supportive words were not able to lift me out of at times. I see this on the board from time to time. People are worried about recovering and worried about doing the old things that used to bring with them satisfaction and joy. I wondered if I would ever be a part of the real world again. I wondered if I ever would have a positive thought again.

I wondered if I could become successful and regain some sense of confidence and pride in my existence EVER again. I needed peace of mind and I needed hope but found it so hard to find. My friends in this group kept pounding it into my head that all was not lost and improvement will come. I tried very hard to believe yet somehow thought I was different. Then things started happening to give me hope. These things did not happen quickly for me and didn't always stay long.

I still remember that first real window that I had and how it was like a switch being turned on. It was after a shower for some reason and when I got out music sounded great again. I stood by an open window for awhile, after getting dressed-LOL, and noticed the trees outside had regained form and a certain beauty I had forgotten. I could hear the birds chirping, something I hadn't noticed in a long time. There was a calm that came over me and I could not help but get this silly smile on my face which was accompanied by a few tears too. I felt normal again and I hadn't felt that way in years, both on and off the drugs.

This happened out of the blue and it was the best positive sign I had. I've had many such windows in my recovery. I've felt strong and in charge of my life and also have seen setbacks along the way that had me wondering. It's a long journey we are on with many highs and lows but there REALLY is a light at the end of that tunnel. Please listen to the ones off the poison for extended periods and get comfort from their support and experience. I know some of you think you are different and won't heal but thats just another withdrawal symptom the benzo monster puts on us.

Continued healing for all,

Tom- 19 months off