Date: Wed Feb 6, 2002 6:03 pm

Subject: There is healing

Hi Group,

I come here to the group daily to check up on you guys. I hope to see someone having some big breaks or offer encouragement to another benzo victim that can somehow lesson the fears. I really like reading the posts from some of the long time members and can actually see how much they have improved by the way they write.

The farther away I get from the benzos the harder it has become to remember everything I went through, but I do remember the depression and how it made me cry so damn much and how I thought at times that all was lost. I remember spending all my time in the house being afraid of leaving at times. I remember that feeling of unreality that had me questioning my sanity. I remember the panic and shaking and the inability to think straight as obsessive thoughts swirled around in my head. I really remember thinking that I was different and I would NOT heal. I worried about protracted withdrawal and got scared when I read of other peoples LONG ordeals.

I guess my world was filled with fear and doubts way too much back then. In the condition I was in I guess it was understandeable. I see the same things in many of the posts and assume it will remain that way as more and more people join our group. It's very sad to me that this suffering has to happen and I find it my duty to try the best I can to encourage people to continue on their taper or GIVE IT MORE TIME if you are off. I'm here to say that it definitely gets better. It has for me and other people I keep in touch with.

I've come to realize that final healing takes more time than most of us think and can be so unpredictable, but it is worth it. It's worth it to go all day without thinking of benzo crap and how you are feeling. It's worth it to not have those stupid pills on your person "just in case". It's worth it to notice the beauty of the outside world again or to see your kids grow up and actually be there for them. It's worth it to have such moments of clarity that you long forgot possible and to be relaxed again, even for a couple minutes is like heaven. It's worth it to see your old interests return along with some motivation. It's worth it to wake up in the morning without anxiety and despair.

So carry on friends. No matter where you are in this journey, you CAN get back things that you thought were long lost. It just takes time and sometimes more time. It depends on each individual and how fast we heal. Don't fret the setbacks or the doubts because I've seen my share and they always go away. Try to keep your anger at doctors and such to a minimum as you heal since this NEVER helped me get better.

There is so much ignorance out there but I know most of us weren't hurt on purpose. I found as I did get better it was easier to be more active that way. I think we need some degree of selfishness to take care of # 1 and to rely on things that comfort us and move us forward. As time progresses we learn just what it is that moves us forward and what brings us down and get better at recognizing ourselves and our limits as we heal.

Keep moving towards the finish line,

Tom- 18 months benzo free