Date: Fri Apr 28, 2000 10:04 am

Subject: Derealization/Depersonalization - David

Hi All!

I was prescribed xanax initially for anxiety after watching my father suffer with lung cancer and subsequently dying. I took it for 2 months at 2mg. and had problems staying awake during the day so I just stopped it with my doctor's blessing. Actually, I was driving the company car at work and fell asleep at the wheel so this was the motivation for me to stop xanax. I had no problems other than the sleepiness while using it and I had absolutely no withdrawal after I stopped.

That is....until about 3 months later when all hell broke loose. I simply woke up one morning with the worst anxiety I ever dreamed imaginable; I was shaking; I could not control my thoughts; I had nausea; felt as if I was suffocating; body burning...I was in withdrawal but didn't realize what was happening to me. Of course, I went back to the doctor who put me on Klonopin for a short while but I still did not stablize. Finally, he put me back on the xanax and this is when I began to experience the derealization and depersonalization. The anxiety got better for awhile but the derealization and depersonalization stayed.

So, xxxxx, it's anyone's guess if this symptom is as a result of my "initial" withdrawal or if it simply just "developed" as a result of using the xanax again. I was on xanax for a total of 5 years and the derealization and depersonalization stayed. Again, I wonder about this...surely if the DR/DP was withdrawal-related, it would have abated at some time during this 5 yrs?

This symptom scared me (as it does many) - I felt I had become permanently altered and I did not know how to make it go away. Of course, my doctor took this symptom as a reinforcement of the theory that I was chemically imbalanced and simply escalated the xanax dose. I languished in my private hell of mental illness and thoughts of chemical imbalances. To me, the derealization and depersonalization were "proof" of these states.

Eventually, I became very ill while using xanax. Mysterious illness abounded. I became weak, emaciated and mentally ill. I lost my ability to reason - my life revolved around phobias, fears, anxiety and thoughts of how to die - all these hideous symptoms surrounded with the ever-present derealization and depersonalization. I did not even know that I was addicted if one can believe that. I believed and trusted my doctor who told me I needed this medication for my chemical imbalance. Nothing was said about addiction...he didn't offer and I was too strung out to bother to ask.

If it were not for my daughter I would have probably committed suicide at this time. She was the only one who believed that xanax was causing all these symptoms. She found the benzo group here; I started becoming "educated" about benzos along with nuitrition; ways to detox my body and how to taper. I have completed my taper of xanax. It has taken one year and 3.5 months for 5 mg.

As I tapered, my symptoms fell away like flies....Even the derealization and depersonalization. It left at about 9 months into my taper. I was ill unto death on xanax. Now I am restored. NEVER doubt that you will not get well! The time tables will vary from individual to individual but your day will come.

Although I am not completely 100%, I KNOW that I will continue to improve and even surpass 100%. I am proud to be off xanax, to stand with all the ones who have gone on before me and I will always give back to those struggling through this nightmare. We all must remember in dealing with the benzo madness that it is ALL temporary and subject to change. The "change" is beautiful.

Much love to you all!

Yvonne